i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
