I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
