i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
