the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
