I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
