he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
