that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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