Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Shame - the story of my life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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