If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
