I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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