I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
we're so committed to being not committed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
