So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
how do flat chested girls get laid?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
