I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
