We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
