if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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