Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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