Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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