I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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