Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
