There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We need to get me chipped asap
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
