we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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