you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
