i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
