you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
