I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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