a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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