If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
it's like iHOP with fire
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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