So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
