He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
