awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
