Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
