Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
