Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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