i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
