I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
