Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
