i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
