Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
