So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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