Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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