You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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