Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
