i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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