On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
