he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
