you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
