i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
