just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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