i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
