WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
