Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
