she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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